Moschel tells me that when she describes On-Task On-Time for Kids to another Mom, the first reaction is, “Oh, this is great.” The second response is often, “Do you have one for husbands?” Believe me, I get it. My wife usually does all the blogging, but this blog is in support of husbands and dads everywhere.
My memory says that I’ve done my fair share of raising our kids. My wife will say that I was always working. I want to share an experience with you that is still very clear in my mind. When our triplets were about 3 years old, my wife had a particularly rough week. I offered to take the kids out for the entire day, so she could relax. I packed a big picnic lunch in a large ice chest, and the four of us went off to the local park.
At this park, there is a play area about 300 yards from the parking lot. The kids followed me as I carried the ice chest to the play area. We had a great time playing and eating lunch, and then I packed everything up to leave. I gathered everyone together and said it was time to go home. This part I remember very clearly….the three of them looked at each other, smiled slyly, and took off in three different directions. I laughed and called them back, but no luck. I called and pleaded and shouted angrily, but nothing worked. Even the old standby, “Okay, I’m leaving without you!” was unsuccessful.
I weighed my options. I couldn’t take the kids one-by-one to the car (remember 300 yards?), or even carry all 3 to the car and come back for the ice chest. I couldn’t take the ice chest to the car and come back for the kids, without leaving them alone too long. This was like that puzzle of how do you get the fox, the hen, and the grain across the river in a boat large enough for only two occupants?
I carried the ice chest ten yards toward the car. Then I went back and caught each child, one by one, and carried all three together ten yards past the ice chest. As soon as I put them down, they scattered. Then I went back for the ice chest and carried it ten yards past the kids. Again, I chased down each child, and carried all three ten yards past the ice chest. I put them down and they ran off again. It probably took me an hour to get everyone back to the car.
At the time, I was exhausted and I’m sure I was very angry with the kids. Now, however, when I look back on that day, it is one of my fondest memories. It’s interesting how doing a good turn, became a difficult experience, and evolved into a wonderful story.
April 7th, 2008
This is a pretty controversial topic. As a mom and a person in the “older generation,” I have a hard time with the body piercing and tattooing that is so prevalent these days. When it first came out, I thought it would be a fast moving fad, and my kids would miss it. (I made the same, wrong prediction about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I think that has been a 25-year “fad.”) My closest friends and my relatives all have children that have either tattoos or face piercings. And, I’m sorry, but my first, gut reaction is, “Ewww!” When I see that nose ring, eye brow piercing, or stud through the tongue, I look at the beautiful face that it is on, and I think, “Pain! Sharp things going through skin and cartilage! Blood! Why mar perfection?”
My 18-year-old daughter has been saying for the past two years that she wants a “small, tasteful, cute nose stud.” So, did I stand back and let her make this decision as an expression of her independence? I simply couldn’t do it! First, I asked her to wait until she left for college, knew that she would not be home for a while, and then get it done. When she flew home though, she would have to remove it, just out of respect for me, an old fogie.
This past holiday, I sat with her and explained my point of view. To me, she is perfect and beautiful. Granted, because of social pressure and her vanity, we paid for braces to fix crooked teeth and a dermatologist to clear some acne. All natural (im)perfections. So now, my new rule is this: Once she reimburses us for taking care of what she thought were imperfections, she could do with her face what she wants. She laughed when I explained this to her; it was tongue in cheek (no, I do not mean I stitched my tongue to my cheek, but should I start a new fad?) She seemed to understand. So far, she has not pierced anything. But, before I had the talk with her, she was talking with her brothers about a tasteful, hidden tattoo to link them forever as triplets. Hmmmm, seems I’ll be having a talk with her brothers soon, too.
March 20th, 2008
A friend asked me the other night, “Do you miss your kids?” My first and honest response was, “Would I sound like a bad mother if I said, ‘No’?” The truth is, I think about my children all the time. I hope they’re happy; I hope they are making the most of their college educations and studying hard. I continue to worry about them — Are they making wise choices? Do they have good friends? Are they getting enough to eat? BUT, do I miss them? Do I pine away for them wishing I was still an active and integral part of their lives and could interact with them every day? The answer is, “No!” I’ve let go of that part of being a mother. And, I think for each of us, that letting go has been a good thing; less pain on my part and less guilt on theirs. This is the start of their independent lives.
Do I still advise them and let them know my opinion? You betcha…that part of “mothering” will be with me til the day I die. More to follow.
March 12th, 2008
My last blog was about sitting back and letting your child suffer the consequences of his actions (or lack of action), and I mentioned that I failed at this one many times. As I was “rescuing” my child, I remember that I would always be feeling angry; angry at myself for buckling under, and angry at my child for “making me” do something. One particular time, I can remember as if it were yesterday. All three of my children had to do the California Mission report in fourth grade. Two completed it on time, but one son waited until the last minute to finish. His three-page report was completely handwritten, but not typed. He was miserably sitting at the computer at 10:00 PM typing at a painfully slow speed. I knew at the rate he was going, he wouldn’t finish until 1:00AM. I was angry at him for procrastinating, and at first, I resisted doing the typing myself. But then, I just couldn’t stand it. He was so exhausted and frustrated. I told him that I would type the paper, but he had to pay me $2.00 a page. He hated to part with money, but he took me up on it. I typed away, but as I was typing, I remember yelling at him, “I shouldn’t be doing this! You should have finished this earlier!! Don’t ever expect me to do this again!”
And to this day, I still feel I made a mistake. He turned his paper in on time, but through high school he had a tendency to procrastinate (although I never typed any more papers for him.) Whenever I saw that he was late, I always remembered that Mission report and questioned whether I should not have buckled under, letting him fail that project. I just have to look on the bright side of that experience; I made $6.00.
December 14th, 2007
I was at my son’s school the other day, and a mother had rushed into the office because her child had forgotten her water bottle. When I heard how the school secretary had to deal with her, I thought I wished I could muster that much energy to care whether my son forgot a water bottle, but I’m too lazy!
When my older children were growing up, I read a lot of parenting books. Our bookshelf was full of the series Your Two Year Old, Your Four Year Old, Your Six Year Old, etc. (We had trouble in the even aged years.) I read How to Talk to Your Kids…series and many others. If I picked one piece of advice from a book and made it an inherent core to my parenting, I felt it was a good, useful book. One local author stands out in my mind. Stephen Sasso a teacher at a local high school wrote a series on raising responsible children. I took a lot of his advice to heart. It made sense to me. One piece of advice that he gave was avoid rescuing your child. This of course does not mean you don’t rescue your child from a life threatening situation, but rather, let your child suffer the natural consequences of his/her actions. By doing this, your child learns the impact of his actions or inaction rather than the consequences being cushioned by the parents’ rescuing.
A classic example is the forgotten lunch. You get home from dropping the kids off at school, and there is the brown bag that should have been tucked into the backpack. Do you A. Get back into the car, race to the school, and bring the lunch to your child or B. Sit tight (be lazy), get on with your day and let the lunch sit on the counter. I think for most parents, it is harder to do B. You would think about your poor, hungry child sitting at the lunch table with no food. But realistically, how much would your child suffer missing one meal? If he/she were really hungry, wouldn’t it be more of an impact that he/she needs to have all the stuff together in the morning and be responsible? That would be the bigger lesson learned here.
I have wrestled with this parenting skill many times. I think it is inherent to being a mother or mothering that we want our children to feel good and be happy. How can that be when your child is hungry or upset about not getting something done for school? Don’t we just naturally want to pick up the slack and help our child out so they don’t have to suffer? But, if we step back from our mothering role, the bigger picture is that we are parents. And, one of those jobs as a parent, is to help your child become a responsible, independent and contributing person. It really isn’t part of our job to make our child happy; that is his/her job.
As I’ve said, this ability to sit back and watch our child suffer through is a hard one to follow. I have failed many times. More to follow…
More on this to follow…I’ve blown this many a time.
November 20th, 2007
What are those three magic words that any mother wants to hear from her child, especially when you are a “bad” parent filled with self doubt at every step of the way? Here they are: “You were right, Mom.” Okay, technically, that’s four words, but I only heard the first three, and he was facing me. When my eighteen year old son uttered those words, I nearly fell out of my chair, did a small dance, and marked the time on the calendar to commemorate the day. (I’m going to try to get it declared a holiday.)
When I packed off our children for college, I was wondering if there was some point in this parenting role where I will ever feel that I have done a good job. Being a stay-at-home mom, I looked for validation anywhere. I have come to the conclusion, that the parenting role really never ends, so how can I tell if I’ve done a good job? As Jason Robard’s character says in the movie “Parenthood;” “You never get to spike the ball in the end zone and do your victory dance. It never ends.”
Parenting is filled with self doubt. There are so many expert books out there telling you what you should be doing to raise kids: Be involved, but not too involved; be an advocate for your child, but let your child learn to speak for himself; guide your child, but let him make his own decisions. The particular situation to which my son was referring regarded a choice to be made in his senior year in high school. I tried to follow the advice books: Guide, and let the kids make their own decision. But, when the kids’ schedule showed they had some choice when it came to language arts, I insisted that they take the most difficult writing class instead of an easier, “fun” class. My argument: “Writing was a life skill; it would help them in college.” Their argument: “It’s our senior year. We want to have some fun.” It was a battle; I won. They grumbled the whole year. I didn’t follow the advice books, and I wondered if I lost the war. Would my opinion count for anything?
But hearing those three words gave me a big sense of satisfaction. I was happy for a day. My son said that taking the writing course was helping him in his first semester at college, and he appreciated the skill he learned while still in high school.
Unfortunately, I went fishing for more points, and really blew it. Two days later, I asked the same son, were there any other instances that he could think of where my advice at the time was difficult to follow, but he felt that in the long run I was right. He thought long and hard, and replied, “Nope.” So, in the past eighteen years, of all the decisions made for him, I did one thing right! I’m clinging to that one!
November 3rd, 2007
One of the first purchases I made when we brought our three babies home was a triplet stroller. They cost a fortune when purchased new, so I searched out a used one. I found a couple who had four year old triplets, and their kids no longer fit into the stroller. I arranged to meet them at their house. When I stepped into their living room, I looked around and thought, “Man, this house is a mess!” The first and most obvious thing was a huge mixture of large boxes, blankets and play structure that completely took over the living room. Second, there was stuff everywhere: clothes, toys, balls, etc. Third, the floor was dirty with dust bunnies and food crumbs. The mom I was meeting did not care about the condition of her house; she made no apologies of, “Excuse this mess, please.” She just introduced me to her children and proceeded to show me the stroller.
Well, at that time, I had infants. I was still in total control, and I was naive (not to mention, judgemental but I got straightened out real fast). Infants just needed to be fed, changed, and held. When my kids hit eighteen months, reality set in, and I learned a lot very quickly. On a list of important things to have, a clean house did not even make the top ten. I have learned that a fort made of boxes in the living room can keep kids happy on a rainy day; stuff that is “around” is easy to find, and food crumbs on the floor are easier to sweep up after they’ve been there for a day or two.
How do I feel that this attitude toward housekeeping has helped my kids? One thing I’ve heard (can’t experience yet) is that grown children do not recall how messy or clean their house was. They can recall the experiences in the house. I think if I had been a neat freak needing everything in its place, I would not have let them paint in the kitchen or walk around with play doh sculptures in their hands. Also, I just read, but I think it was a joke, that kids that grow up in dirty houses have stronger immune systems. Makes sense, but I wouldn’t want to admit that is why my kids are generally healthy.
I’m sure there are many other benefits. But, I think the main one is just not having a feeling of being uptight about what the kids will do to mess up the house I just cleaned. I did not clean the house, so I didn’t have to worry. I hope that relaxed feeling does rub off on them. I just hope their college roommates aren’t suffering too badly because of my relaxed philosophy.
October 17th, 2007
My uncle had many strange sayings; sayings that would make me stop and think, “Gee, that’s not right,” but when I did think about it, he would have a point. One thing he used to say to me when my triplets were about four years old was, “Bad parents make good kids.” I really don’t want to be a “bad parent,” but I did understand his message: Parents who do too much (good parents) for their kids, keep their kids from learning to do for themselves; parents who sit back (bad parents) and let their kids take over, have kids who learn more and are more self sufficient.
I would like to share “bad” parenting moments in this blog. I have just finished three college parent orientations and read my share of “Messages from the Principal.” One common theme from those “higher ups” is that I am part of a generation of parents known as the “Helicopter Parents.” We hover over our kids and micro-manage everything they do. We want them to be successful. We like to keep them scheduled and make sure they are doing the “right” things. But, in our quest to be “good” parents, are we facilitating their eventual independence from us? Are we truly nurturing their self-image and self-esteem?
Hopefully, this will be a place where we can share stories about being “bad” parents, and letting our kids “do for themselves.” It was the reason that I invented my product, On-Task On-Time for Kids, and being a “bad” parent has been somewhat of a goal in my mind. Feel free to share your stories where letting your child take over helped him or her grow.
September 15th, 2007
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